Depression and Mania the same thing
What if mania and depression were the same thing? What if one was just a more intense version of the other?
What if mood swings are caused by the brain transmitting too many signals when there should be only one signal. What if the additional random signals create havoc. What if the brain, instead of ignoring the additional signals, tries to interpret them to mean...something?
But if the additional signals are random, then the interpretation of them is worthless. But from the brain's point of view, the additional signals feel exactly like the real one.
. .. stop it here
In fact, there's this weird situation that I can know stuff, and if you ask me about it, I can tell you, but personally, it doesn't link up. The connection between the part of me that knows stuff, and the part of me that makes plans and acts just seems to fail.
It's down to the littlest things. I can see and know that the dishes in the sink need washing, but the part of me that says to wash the dishes after breakfast, or even this evening, simply won't engage. And that's why I can have a week's worth of dishes in the sink. I'll know that they need washing, and if you ask me, I'll tell you that they really need washing, but then....nothing. The part of me that would engage to say 'let me wash them now', simply never fires up.
Imagine a day like that. You know the things that need to be done, but the part of you that does them never rolls up its sleeves and says, hey, let just do this. In fact, it never even wakes up. This is not procrastination. Procrastination is knowing something needs to be done and putting it offf- That's still a conscious act (mostly). This is knowing something needs to be and then....cotton, nothing.
So. How much you think gets done. How do you even get anything done if you can't think about it in a meassured, sequential way - first this, then that. It's all cotton.
Now, be that way for two weeks. Or two months. What happens to your life. You try imagining that.
But can't you just, er, Do It? No, because I can't think about it. And here's what, if I try to push through with a task, one of two things happen. The first is that it triggers a panic attack. A full blown panic attack - feeling like your heart is racing and that the adrenaline is in full swing, and bad coordination (has anybody ever measiures their adrenaline level in a panic attack? I've doen heart rate and unbelievabley, it doesn't increase - the mind is creating wrong signals). It's as if your minds is resolutely refusing to trry to think or to act and is fighiting back. A littel internal civil war in the skull.
And what happens if you continue pushing - well, I've gotten into two bad car accidents so far trying to force myself to go to work, so there is that. And panic attacks are unpleasent and frightening. This is not like I'll just push through and wake up once I'm running and I'm in the first mile, everything will be alll right. This is a full flight reflex that doesn't stop. It can go on for hours and hours and hours and it DOESN't stop no matter what you do. There is no, I will fight my way though this and then it will be all right.
Depression is about functionality - can't focus on what I want to to, can't figure out the steps of waht I want to do (as if I am eternally stupid), can't do it if I try - I get side tracked mentally, or panic attack symptoms appear. I get the dark and worthless thoughts but these seem minor in comparison.
The net effect is I am now unreliable, fat, ineffectual. None of the things I see myself as. I now have two problems - one is the depression, the next is that my entire picture of myself has failed (note - note failing - failed). I can't even carry the dogs for walks.
Next step is to become a drug addict - ketamine and mdma seem to work, but not available. Regardless, drug fuelled life - I am not thrilled.
First of all, being Depressed doesn't mean being sad. Or upset, or stressed.
Depression, the way I think about it, isn't a thing. It's a single word that describes a collection of symptoms, much the same way the word 'flu' covers a collection of symptoms like fever, runny nose, coughing, etc
Here's an example of the inability to focus. This morning, I have to plan today - put out garbage, stop at the atm on the way to work, contact a few customers at work, pick up dog food on the way home, do a load of laundry. No biggie, right.
Except - I can't actually get my thoughts together or coherent. I know that I have to get dog food, but to actually think 'I will pick up the dog food at the supermarket on the way home from work' or to mentally visualise stopping on the way home from work - well, none of that happens. There's knowing I need dog food and then there's.....cotton, nothing, a blank space, air. The thought fails to materialise. And because I can't actually create the thought, nothing happens - I don't make the plan to go to the supermarket.
I won't stop off at the ATM on the way to work either, because I simply cannot visualise turning the car into the ATM parking lot this morning. I mean, I know where the ATM is and I know that I need cash. But the knowing doesn't translate into an action thought.