In the previous blog article Your Friend is Depressed / Out of Contact. What to do?, I wrote some sample conversations. They sounded casual, but the wording was carefully chosen. Here are the explanations of these conversations.
Call and leave a voice message
With depression, Communication fails first. Calling doesn't . Voice messages carry teh same weight as someone actively on the phone, so they may not be listened to. My voice message asks to text me, and I delete voice messages without listening to htem.
Call someone close to the person
Here is how to deconstruct text or speech said to your friend
(to be published by 18 Jan 19). - attached to Your Friend is Depressed / Out of Contact. and Your friend had a Depression Episode. What to say next time you meet them.
You are speaking to Fred's spouse while he's depressed.
Comment
YOU: "Is Fred depressed? I haven't heard from him for a while and he isn't returning my texts."
If you know your friend is bipolar, it's perfectly okay to ask if he is depressed. The rule here is that your friend must have told you themselves. Otherwise you are intruding on their privacy. a
SPOUSE: "Yup. He isn't doing well at the moment."
"He isn't doing well at the moment" is a shortcut for "He's depressed" or "He's manic." You shouldn't need to ask any more questions, as Depressed is a medical symptom in the same category as Broken Leg or Measles.
YOU: "OK. Was just checking. Anything I can do that can help out?"
SPOUSE: "Not really. We're coping okay at the moment."
It's nice of you to ask, But if you haven't been forewarned about how to help your friend in a depression episode, you'll probably be told you can't help. And that's okay, so don't take it personally.
Or you may be asked to help pay the electricity bill or do some seemingly unconnected errand. If that's requested, please help out - the person talking to you is probably trying to sort out depression related stuff and could really do with help with more down to earth problems.
YOU: "Well, I'm here if you need some support. Also, can you tell Fred that it'll be good to see him next time he's up and out."
It's great to know we can count on your support, but know that it probably going to be errands (see above).
It's perfectly fine for you to send your well wishes. It's valuable actually - when Fred gets it, he'll know he hasn't been forgotten or sidelined while he was depressed.
Notice the 'next time he's up and out.' You are indicating to Fred that you're not putting pressure on him now, but you are are waiting when he's feeling better. In fact, "feeling better" is also a shortcut for bipolar persons that the depression or manic episode has ended.
Send a text.
You are sending a text to someone who you figure might be depressed
Comment
"Haven't seen you in a bit. Drop me a line when you can" or "When you can, let's have a coffee."
The text is written so that (1) the depressed doesn't have to respond while they are depessed, (2) contains an acknowledgement that you exist and are important to the texter and (3) implies some future date when the depressed person is no longer depressed and CAN communicate. It would be nice if you could practice - besides it's also a gentle way to talk with non-depressed friends.
Don't text "Haven't heard from you, are you okay?"
"Are you okay" requires a response from the depressed person. I am aware it just requres either "Yes" or "No", but Yes is a lie and No is a setup for more questions. My response would be to ignore and also feel guilty that I ignored it.
Thinking of you
Don't text "Are you depressed?"
Same problems as Are you okay
And just keep on doing it until you see us somewhere, or we appear on a group text or on Facebook. We'll be as fine as we can be.
Send a letter
I’ve found that
(a) Whether it’s in an envelope or not matters. So I read postcards (because it’s hard not to), but I leave cards in envelopes unopened.
(b) The language matters. Language that requires me to take action stresses me out. Language that is informative usually doesn’t. I’m writing about this in my next article.
Some help, please
Articles like this need your input. I have provided information about what happens to me. It may not happen to you this way. In the comments below, can you
Tell me what happens to you that I did not write about.
Tell me if I wrote stuff that is wrong or incomplete.
Tell me what I should be writing that is related to this article.
Looking forward to your help. Any information you provide that I include in the article will be credited to you - online name and link to your blog / website.
Related Articles
Here is an article about how to talk to your friend the next time you meet him after a depression episode (to be published by 18 Jan 19).
Here is how to deconstruct text or speech said to your friend
(to be published by 18 Jan 19).
One caveat. If you friend talks about suicide, then contact friends / family and get help. I take mentions of suicide seriously.
END
first published 11 Jan 19